Dear boy who broke my heart: A letter in 10 points.

 Dear boy who broke my heart:

I have some things to say. I made a list.

1. Part of the problem is that you are a  boy. Another part is that I mistook you for a man. You corrected me, but by that time it was too late.

2. Alright I’m prepared to admit you’re not a boy. If I’m being precise, this letter should be addressed “Dear boys who broke my heart”. You are one person. But because you are the latest in a string of broken relationships you are an amalgam of all the man-children before you with whom I tried and failed. And when I opened myself to you and let you in, the crack you nailed into my loving, beating core spread out. And it found older cracks. Then they joined up. A spiderweb of loves lost. You may be the freshest, but you sneakily revive all before you, and the old cracks that half-healed, are re-cracked. And they feel like the first time. Yeah, they feel like the very first time.

3. I take responsbility. To be fair I let you. You couldn’t have hurt me if I didn’t let you. But still…

4. You are not a boy at all, not even boys. You are reflection of myself that I sub-consciously manifested, a part of me I tried to resist.  An old habit I refused to break. A vulnerability I tried to avoid, a string bad decisions I made. Dear boy(s) who broke me heart, this is really important: You are me.

5. Because you are me. Because we are connected. Because once upon a time on another plane, you & I were one and decided to teach one other. We agreed to hurt, to be hurt. We planned the exact cracks. Perhaps we have done this many times before in other lifetimes, as siblings, as parent-child, and yes, maybe, even as lovers. Because you are me, I will not blame. I will not begrudge either of us, the collective we. And I won’t begrudge you all that time I spent curled up in a ball on the floor.

6. Because you are me I will patiently sit with this pain, until I find a reason to thank you for it. And I will patiently pick myself off the floor, write you point-form letters, block you from Facebook, delete your number, our text message history, our emails. And I’ll cut all the other energetic, electronic, material chords that bind us. I will do all this until I can thank you. Until I can find the reason for you & I.

7. Because you are not at all a boy, not a man, not even many boys. Because you are me, I’m gonna say: I forgive you, And I still love you.

8. Dear Boy who broke my heart: I forgive me. And I still love me.

9. Dear boy who broke my heart: One day, soon, you will just be someone from my past. A part of myself I let go… and forgot.

10. Dear Me: Hang on til that day.

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